99 Ways to Order Pizza.
When you call:
- If
using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person
taking the order to stop doing that.
- Make up a charge-card name.
Ask if they accept it.
- Use CB lingo where applicable.
- Order a Big Mac Extra Value
Meal.
- Terminate the call with,
"Remember, we never had this conversation."
- Tell the order taker a rival
pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
- Give them your address, exclaim
"Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
- Answer their questions with
questions.
- In your breathiest voice,
tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something
outlandishly sinful.
- Use these bonus words in the conversation:
ROBUST
FREE-SPIRITED
COST-EFFICIENT
UKRAINIAN
PUCE
- Tell them to put the crust
on top this time.
- Sing the order to the tune
of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
- Do not name the toppings
you want. Rather, spell them out.
- Put an extra edge in your
voice when you say "crazy bread."
- Stutter on the letter "p."
- Ask for a deal available
somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for Stuffed Crust!)
- Ask what the order taker
is wearing.
- Crack your knuckles into
the receiver.
- Say hello, act stunned for
five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
- Rattle off your order with
a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic
and become disoriented.
- Tell the order taker you're
depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
- Make a list of exotic cuisines.
Order them as toppings.
- Change your accent every
three seconds.
- Order 52 pepperoni slices
prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about
to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
- Act like you know the order
taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
- Start your order with "I'd
like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."
- If they repeat the order
to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull
up to the first window."
- Rent a pizza.
- Ask if you get to keep the
pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
- Put the accent on the last
syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
- Have your pizza "shaken,
not stirred."
- Say "Are you sure this is
(Pizza Place)?" When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some
explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza
Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
- Move the mouthpiece farther
and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece
back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
- Tell them to double-check
to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
- Imitate the order taker's
voice.
- Eliminate verbs from your
speech.
- When they say "What would
you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
- Play a sitar in the background.
- Say it's your anniversary
and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting
for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
- Amuse the order taker with
little-known facts about country music.
- Ask to see a menu.
- Quote Carl Sandberg.
- Say you'll be able to pay
for this when the movie people call back.
- Ask if they have any idea
what is at stake with this pizza.
- Ask what topping goes best
with well-aged Chardonnay.
- Belch directly into the mouthpiece;
then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
- Order a slice, not a whole
pizza.
- Shout "I'm through with men/women!
Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
- Doze off in the middle of
the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
- Psychoanalyze the order taker.
- Ask what their phone number
is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
- Order two toppings, then
say, "No, they'll start fighting."
- Learn to properly pronounce
the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
- Call to complain about service.
Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
- Tell the order taker to tell
the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
- Report a petty theft to the
order taker.
- Use expletives like "Great
Caesar's Ghost" and "John Wayne and Marylyn Monroe in Tinsel Town."
- Ask for the guy who took
your order last time.
- If he/she suggests anything,
adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
- Wonder aloud if you should
trim those nose hairs.
- Try to talk while drinking
something.
- Start the conversation with
"My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and . . . action!"
- Ask if the pizza is organically
grown.
- Ask about pizza maintenance
and repair.
- Be vague in your order.
- When they repeat your order,
say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
- If using a touch-tone press
9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
- After ordering, say "I wonder
what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
- Start the conversation by
reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
- State your order and say
that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
- Ask if they're familiar with
the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term.
Ask that this be done to your pizza.
- Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather
loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
- Detect the order taker's
psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
- When listing toppings you
want on your pizza, include another pizza.
- Learn to play a blues riff
on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
- Ask if they would like to
sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
- Perfect a celebrity's voice.
Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced
gofer.
- Put them on hold.
- Teach the order taker a secret
code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
- Mumble, "There's a bomb under
your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with
meat'."
- Make the first topping you
order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang
up before they have a chance to respond.
- When the order is repeated,
change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third
time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
- When you'ge given the price,
say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate maths."
- Haggle.
- Order a one-inch pizza.
- Order term life insurance.
- When they say "Will that
be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
- Order with a Speak-n-Spell
where applicable.
- Ask how many dolphins were
killed to make that pizza.
- While on the phone, fake
entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
- Engage in some serious swapping.
- Dance all around the word
"pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't
mention that word."
- Have a movie with a good
car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet
is fired.
- If he/she suggests a side
order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
- Ask if the pizza has had
its shots.
- Order a steamed pizza.
- Get taker's name. Later,
call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call,
So-and-so." Hang up.
- Offer to pay for the pizza
with a public flogging.
- If any of the above practices
are rejected by the order taker, Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy
let me do it."